Prince Xingtian Log: Shaken from a Stirred Soul
Posted on Fri Oct 4th, 2024 @ 2:06pm by Lieutenant JG Zai
Edited on Fri Oct 4th, 2024 @ 2:07pm
1,020 words; about a 5 minute read
The Scene:
The dimly lit quarters of Lieutenant Zai were a cozy place to be. Having been discharged form sickbay he sat on the sofa a warm tea in hand staring out at the stars as they whizzed by.
He brought his knees up onto the sofa curling one hand around them while the other held the tea. The sofa had been moved to face the window, a calming sight to him when his emotions and mind were swirling.
Starfleet logs were always difficult for him and he didn't trust them so he had purchased a logging recorder of his own where his personal logs would remain, just that, personal. Out of reach from Starfleet. They would record his thoughts and only he could open them. The device sat on the coffee table now and he leaned forward hitting the record button.
Leaning back he sipped his tea and when the three loud dings sounded their readiness to record he began his log.
Xingtian Personal Log, stardate not relevant.
Starfleet, in their infinite wisdom, has dubbed counselors an important addition to any ship. I must humbly disagree even though I very much like Counselor Alexander. While quite caring and wise her wisdom has caused me quite some dismay. Hidden feelings from the depths of my soul have been stirred and thus my very being shaken to the core.
How dare she! How dare she open what I refuse to examine? For that matter how dare I even, in the hidden depths of my soul, lock it all away?
It is done, whatever magic she used, has opened something and released that which cannot be ignored. I cannot be mad at her. Her guidance has ... made me see something I am still perhaps refusing to acknowledge. My mind has been pulled into deep thoughts. My nights are sleepless and food holds no appeal to me. If have that unnerving feeling of being at the cusp of something but failing to grasp it or perhaps...I do not want to grasp it.
My confusion knows no end and I find that I am zoning out in deep thought often. The good thing is that it's not interfering with my duties. In fact it has been good for my work as I can get lost in my tasks and it gives me a break from my thoughts.
I've changed my mind. Maybe counselors are a good thing, words I never thought I would say. I wish to ask her more yet... I am afraid to explore what has been hidden for so long. I don't know that I deserve to explore it either. This all sounds like ramblings from a mad man and at times that's how I feel. I am overwhelmed with feelings that I know not how to name. Staring at the stars, like I am doing now, helps. It makes me feel small, my thoughts and problems small compared to the vastness of the universe.
What I can say is that over the years I have forgotten my bath as a healer and a mystic. My people have been forced into a battle they did not want and I have blamed Lee Fang as much as I have tried not to. I have also been dwelling on the past and when I think of the conditions on Capella when I left and the reason I left and the time I was left behind...it's all a jumble. I know there is a deeper understanding but am I so worn and broken that I want to accept the simplest explanation, one that I know to be untrue?
** Exasperated Sigh ***
I guess I have a lot more thinking to do, not that I need to think about anything more. Part of me wants to find the truth, whatever it may be, and part of me doesn't want to for fear of both it being confirmed or being wrong. Either way I seem to be the grand looser in all this. It is the enteral state of my life I guess. I have always been the looser except when I think to my time on Capella with Ainar. Those precious memories are ones I have clung to even when they have been bittersweet.
As they would say on Earth, I felt human then, I felt as if I was myself and all this time after and the time before I was what everyone expected and not what I wanted. It's hard to explain and I don't even know why I am recording this log. I... I... I just know that I am restless and feel more alone then I have in years. In truth I have always been alone except the time I spent with Ainar but I have never hated or questioned my own company. Now I do not know if I can stand myself.
Perhaps I should speak with the counselor on that. The question... do I dare let her in? I have begun to see her has friend but then I have felt the cold betrayal of friendship before, or at least I think I have. Again as I say this out loud I want to examine the truth but again I feel the cold dark fear of trying. Humans are fond of saying that 'the truth shall set us free' but in either truth I am at a loss. If I have been betrayed then I have failed myself and my people and will be shattered. If I have been the betrayer then I have failed Ainar and myself and then I deserve nothing that is good. I deserve to be cast aside for not seeking the truth.
**A Groan**
My head is pounding and I cannot think anymore. I need to rest so I shall end here for now. It is not something that I will solve in a day as this has been my ongoing struggle for years but it is just now that I am beginning to feel the weight of it.
End Personal Log. Store and file
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