Regrets and Guilt
Posted on Thu Oct 31st, 2024 @ 7:39pm by Lieutenant Commander Jason Frankley
760 words; about a 4 minute read
“Computer, personal log, stardate today,” Jason commanded in his quarters, sitting with his face in his hands.
“I don't drink to excess,” he groaned, “I haven't since the academy. I know that it messes with my head and I turn into this monster. It corrupts me. Last night, I remembered why I don't drink that much— especially when I'm feeling raw emotions.”
“I've got to face it— I screwed up. I let my emotions get the better of me, pushing myself into Adrianna’s life at a time when she needed space— when she asked for space.”
He sighed, standing up and pacing, “For a while, I let myself believe that I could be the one to help her move on, to fill whatever space Vance had left behind. But I was wrong. I wanted so badly to be the one she chose that I ignored the signs, ignored her feelings, and that wasn’t fair to either of us— especially her.”
“I convinced myself that because I could offer stability and love without a need to fake who she was, she’d see me as the right choice. But what I forgot is that love doesn’t work on logic or convenience; it doesn’t just shift because one person’s missing. Adrianna still carries a part of Vance with her— physically and emotionally. I've noticed that she has been wearing a necklace lately that has his name on it,” he slapped his hand on a nearby wall in frustration of how he could have missed something so obvious.
“As much as I wish it weren’t the case, I can’t compete with that kind of history,” he shook his head, “even if their history started as a lie, evidently there was something real. She had even told me that she had been ready to leave Starfleet for him.”
“She was gracious when she let me down, kind even, but that almost made it worse. She deserves someone who truly respects her boundaries, not someone who tries to shape her feelings into what he wants them to be,” the guilt resurfaced in him.
“From here on, I’ve got to keep my distance and let Adrianna figure out what’s right for her on her own terms. I’ll still be here if she needs a friend— but this time, that’s all I’ll be— if she was even serious about still being friends,” he cussed under his breath, recalling the alcohol induced, hazy memory of the night before.
“In truth, I messed this up worse than I thought. Turns out, Adrianna talked to both First Officer, Lieutenant Lee and, my boss, Lieutenant K’Var about me— probably about my overreach.”
“I drank too much, my demons came out, I tried to force her to see me and kissed her. She slapped me— rightly so. Gawd, what was I thinking? I turned into a man that I should be protecting people from.”
“I should have known she’d need support beyond what I was pushing onto her. I was so focused on showing her that I could be someone stable, someone dependable, that I didn’t even see her looking for that stability elsewhere, with people she actually trusts. Knowing she went to Fang and K’Var… well, that tells me I crossed a line. Of course I crossed a gawddamn line! No man should treat a woman like that; no man should touch a woman like that; no man should scare a woman like that. Clearly I am no man.”
“I can’t be bitter about it. They’re both good at what they do, and if Adrianna needed them, that’s on me, not her. I owe her that space, and I owe her my respect and gratitude that she didn't press charges. I'll take my punishment as I am truly deserving of it.”
“I'll be going to the counselor to get my head straight. I also wish Ade well. She deserves to be happy and I hope that she finds what she is looking for. It's not me.”
“End log.”
Jason flopped back into his chair. He'd screwed up royally and he knew it. The guilt was eating him up. He regretted his physical actions and how it all happened, but he didn't regret what he said to her. He had meant every word. He loved her, he thought he was better than Vance but, most of all, he thought she should be with him.
“Too little too late, Jason,” he muttered to himself.
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