Running Home to Mamma

Posted on Thu Oct 24th, 2024 @ 3:05pm by Lieutenant Adrianna Baciami

1,634 words; about a 8 minute read

Adrianna sat in her quarters, staring at the screen as she initiated the subspace call. The Federation's long-range communication system allowed her to reach home, but it still felt a world away. Her mother’s face filled the screen moments later. The woman didn't seem to age and even with being almost 75, she was still mistaken for Adrianna's twin. Adrianna had lost a few men over the years because they had seen her mother and made an inappropriate comment.

“Amore mio! It’s been too long,” her mother greeted, her voice filled with warmth and familiarity. Though her mother only spoke Italian, Adrianna was fluent in both languages. It felt natural, a return to her roots.

“Mamma, ciao,” Adrianna smiled, the tension in her chest easing slightly at the sight of her. “I know, I’ve been busy.”

“Busy with that nice Jason boy, I hope? You know I always thought he was good for you,” her mother said, wasting no time.

Adrianna sighed, leaning back in her chair. “Sì, Jason’s wonderful… but I’m not sure, Mamma. You remember how things were with Vance… when I thought he was gone?”

Her mother nodded, her expression softening with sympathy. “Of course, cara mia. That nearly broke you. But now you have Jason, and he’s been there for you.”

Adrianna hesitated. She hadn’t told her mother the full story. How could she? Her mother didn’t know that Vance was still alive, that he had returned, albeit not entirely whole. Not the man he once was, at least not yet.

“Mamma, there’s something I haven’t told you.” Her voice wavered slightly, and she saw the concern deepen in her mother’s eyes. “Vance… he’s alive.”

Her mother gasped. “Alive? But—”

“He doesn’t remember everything,” Adrianna continued quickly, needing to get the words out before her resolve faltered. “He has amnesia, Mamma. Small pieces of our past are coming back to him, but he’s not the same. Not really. He's enlisted– which is strange to say the least– he's left his old life behind because he can't remember being a smuggler. And I—” Her throat tightened. “Jason’s been so patient, so understanding. I can see that he has fallen for me, but every time I try to move forward with him, Vance’s memory comes back to me, like a ghost I can’t let go of. Mamma– I can see a future with Jason, but my mind keeps telling me to stop my pursuit of being happy and settled.”

Her mother’s face softened with maternal understanding. “Oh, cara. Your heart is split.”

Adrianna’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I want to move on with Jason, Mamma, I really do. But Vance… he was my first love. Even now, after everything, there’s a part of me that still belongs to him. And yet, Jason—Jason deserves better than a half-hearted love.”

Her mother gave a small, knowing smile. “Your heart is not so easily divided. Love isn’t about forgetting, Adrianna, it’s about learning how to carry those we’ve lost, without letting them pull us back. You must decide where your future lies. With Jason… or with Vance.”

Adrianna nodded, though the knot in her chest tightened further. “I know. I just wish I could figure out how to let one of them go.”

Her mother’s eyes gleamed with gentle wisdom. “You already know the answer, figlia mia. You just need to trust yourself enough to see it.”

“Can you tell me what that answer is?” Adrianna jokingly asked before hesitating, biting her lip as she gathered her thoughts, “Mamma, I am trying to move on with Jason. I really am. He’s been patient, kind, everything you always wanted for me. But…” She trailed off, unsure how to put the rest into words.

Her mother’s brow furrowed, sensing her unease. “But what, amore mio?”

Adrianna sighed, looking down at her hands before forcing herself to meet her mother’s gaze again. “I keep finding myself messaging Vance. Flirting, even. Like old times. I know it’s not fair to Jason. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. Every time I talk to Vance, it’s like the past pulls me back in. That desire for the, somewhat dysfunctional, fairytale romance– the fact that he loved me regardless of who I was. We just seemed to be a fated pair. There was so much history– I may have lied to Vance about my name and job, but everything else was real– hell, I even told him that if he ever met you and flirted, I'd kill him.”

Her mother’s eyes widened slightly, and then softened with understanding. “Oh, Adrianna. You’re caught between two worlds– one of what was, and one of what could be.”

Adrianna nodded, her voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t want to hurt Jason. He doesn’t deserve this, but when Vance reaches out, I feel like I can’t just ignore him– I owe him my life. Even if it wasn't that– I can still feel it– still feel a connection between us, even if he doesn’t remember everything. And I don’t know how to stop it– I don't know if I want to stop it.”

Her mother sighed, her expression pained. “You’re right, cara mia. Jason deserves the truth– but so do you. You can’t carry on with both of them like this. It will only break your heart more and potentially hurt them.”

“I know, Mamma,” Adrianna said, her voice tight. “I’m trying so hard to move on with Jason. I tell myself that he’s my future, that Vance is in the past and may not ever be my future. But when I’m alone, when Vance messages me, it’s like I forget all of that.”

“Does Jason know?” her mother asked gently.

Adrianna shook her head. “Yes and no. I don’t want to lose him, Mamma. But at the same time… I’m not sure I’m ready to let go of Vance, either.”

Her mother’s face softened, and she reached toward the screen as if she could physically comfort her daughter. “Adrianna, you need to be honest with yourself first. Are you truly ready to move on with Jason, or are you holding on to Vance because part of you still hopes he’ll remember everything?”

Adrianna felt her throat tighten, the weight of the question pressing down on her. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m still waiting for Vance to come back to me. But what if he never does? What if I ruin things with Jason while I’m waiting for something that might never happen? With Jason it's easy– it's straight forward, there are no complications, but it's missing something.”

“History– it's missing history. History is there to be made. Love is a long journey,” Her mother’s voice was gentle but firm, “You must make a choice, cara. No one can do that for you. But if you don’t, you risk losing them both.”

Adrianna closed her eyes, feeling the full weight of her mother’s words sink in. She knew, deep down, that her mother was right. But knowing what to do and finding the strength to do it were two very different things.

“Cara mia,” Her mother sighed, “I cannot imagine being in your position. I have lived one life, not two. You need to remember that of your two lives, one is very much real. You need to deal with what is built on, and in, reality first.” She paused and lowered her voice a little, trying to comfort her daughter, “if I were you, I would tell Vance that you are seeing Jason. He will probably give you his blessing since he doesn't know you as he once did. Should his memories come back, and he still wants you, then he can find you and you can have this conversation again, but, at least you would have had the opportunity to try and see if Jason is your future, without temptation, and potential false hope, holding you back.”

“Thank you, mamma,” Adrianna sighed. Her mother was wise, and a voice of reason. She may not have understood first hand, but she was the only one that knew exactly what happened between her and Vance. Her mother had helped her grieve and cover up, after all.

“I need to go, cara mia, your father is home soon and I need to ensure he is fed– you know how he often doesn't think about himself,” she smiled, “stay strong, like the capo dei capi that I know you are. I will forever be your consigliere. Regardless of what you choose, regardless of what happens– I love you and I am here. I'll be waiting with open arms, an open kitchen, and an open bottle of something.”

Adrianna finally and genuinely smiled. It always entertained her how their family used mafia terminology, but her father always said that they had a big enough family to warrant being an army. “Send my love, to papà.”

As the screen blinked off, Adrianna felt the familiar weight of her mother’s words settling over her. Could she really move on with Jason, or would Vance always hold a part of her heart?

She'd told Jason that she wanted to try. He knew her situation and was willing to go slow. What was the harm? They didn't have labels. Either way, she knew that she had to pull away from Vance. She'd tell Vance that she was seeing someone– she had to be honest.

Old Vance would have wanted her to be happy, right?

 

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